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Being someone is hard, being a human is always hard! we need to always cover our face with happiness eventhough the true self is not like that! Being too good doesnt seems good either! how people percieve you, how people judge you is all by physical look and not by inner heart…..

Am i borned to be bullied by others? being emo is not a sin for christ sake! I just need someone to hear my grandmother’s stories! they dont need to talk anything, they dont need to do anything either, people will only being selfish and care about themselves!

I really wanted to buy someone to wear a mask for me, and cover everything from my trueself, the despair, the sorrows, the upsets, please!! LET it covered!! and please dont reveal out!!! please please!!!

its been 1 and half months im here in UK, i seriously never been this stress before in my whole life… i know its good for someone to push me, but its hard… pressure, stress…. a lot…. how to cope? i myself can’t even take good care of myself, how am i suppose to care abt my studies… im almost crazy, almost. i don know wht is it look like if im dead? or if im really gone crazy, whts going on to the world?

too many things need to be done and its not easy, assignments coming again and again… too much for me… reading notes, articles, books with millions words inside is just not my way… too many things to do and just got no life at all….. i feel im dying….

headaches strikes me couple of days and it still in pain now… i hope im dead now… is there any quick and better way for me to die?

NOSAJ RNIP

Indeed, 2007 is the worst year of my life…

Really lotsa things happen, and most of them are very very big case…i being criticized in a public with lotsa students, made my reputation and image spoiled, perhaps i don’t have any reputation as well, or maybe i just don’t have the image that just like many other people outside!

Because of my foolishness, because of my egoness, it spoils everything, and 2007 indeed a great lesson given by god. I never blame Him because this is what in deserve much in my life! I even brought tones of problem to my family especially my dad, my mum, and everyone! Besides, i involved my friend as well…. and Thanks to you helping me a lot! And i really appreciate that!

Now i know the meaning of family and friendship! you can only see the real heart of the real meaning of both this things by the WILLINGNESS that you can actually see through them! When you in deep trouble, who will willing to help u?? sometimes we only depend on friends when something comes up to u! a real friend will always help his friend indeed! No matter how hard he struggle, they will always try their best to help! and i experience this! SEriously, without him…I can’t survive here! and i appreciate very much that i got a friend like this! is a gift of god!! Thank you very much! Everytime before you ask for help! u just need to ask urself! ARE YOU WILLING TO DO THAT FOR THE SAKE OF YOUR FRIEND’S GOOD?

Family is indeed important to everyone! and maybe sometimes i don’t really know how to appreciate them because im comparing to others! but a parent’s job aint that easy! they need to manage the home, and their priority always stands on their children! Its very true. Sometimes maybe i don’t understand their problem and i just complain whatever i can, but everything always comes for a reason. there must be a reason for something to happen! and i appreciate very very much when my parents threw me a rope when i fell in a very very deep and dark hole which full of danger and sadness inside!

Thanks to everyone! who willing to help! and i appreciate it very much! i know every help doesn’t come with money or gold! i knew i can’t repay everything u guys done to me! but i just wanna said Thank You very very much for helping me when im in a great danger! and without u guys! im nothing!! And i need to thank to someone out there who always gives me support! and always advice me that she will be by my side whatever happens! thank you very much! i cherish every single things u guys done to me!

Jason

Well, finally Jason give up…just too scare to face the problem, whenever i login to e-learning, i will think a lot, get a first class, don wanna shame of my lecturer, my parents, myself…But finally, everything is over…i was ask to return to SSH to get my bar letter…i never blame anyone, just blame myself. Focus on my maths is the biggest mistake tht i ever had. and nobody will ever understand my feelings. I sucks at maths since the day i was born, i failed every o my maths subject from form 1 till form 5, but thank god i got a D for my SPM… Maths is my weakness for all times. And i just can’t believe that this particular little subject just killed my future. Indeed, who not sad when ur actually going to UK to pursue their study and eventually got kicked out? My parents understand me and my toughness in facing maths problem for my resit, but all i can blame is myself, they say is ok but i still can feel their dissappoinment.

But honestly, eventhough i can’t get to UK, i feel proud of myself i can go this far, just like a fallen soldier in a battlefield…with pride… i don’t know till my parents told me, they are actually proud of me that i can go this far. im not a smart student indeed, im not those nerd who work on knowledge all the time. but no matter how, i still dissappoint them… all my family, relative and cousin… i just don’t know how to face them. When i see back my report card from primary one till im form 5…the result was so ridiculous, i really can’t believe i able to sit and learn with my friends in an ADVANCE DIPLOMA class…when i think back, i cried(who say guys can’t cry, STOP STEREOTYPING!!) all those effort from my dad to earn money for me to go UK has gone, and now, i can’t do anything but just to blame myself…

For those who pursue their study to UK, wish them all the best and don’t like me…(ur gonna end up slapping ur face) Sorry guys, i can’t join u all…

J

3rd day of chinese new year, at my house, around 5.45pm++

twenty minutes ago, i done something very wrong that proven im so damn childish. wel, indeed, i admit, im so so so so so childish! and indeed i was very very selfish and never care about others. why am i like that?? can’t change this attitude??

because of my own pleasure, i abandone any other things that happened around me. means you die, your business!! when i think back, its kinda funny but indeed sad. my mission is…… not to scold by my mom for the entire holiday here at my hometown, but everytime seems to be a failure…!! and it is very sad to know that eerything that u done never appreiated by others and get a scold from others…..

yeah, i know im wrong, i spoiled my own image and my very very own name…!! and in front of cousin, i know they are young, but i think they know whts the message that my mom like top express out in front of them as well as my aunty and my uncle…!!

indeed 2007 is a very very bad year and unlucky for me…! i wonder is there anymore worse things happen in future or perhaps i die in this year! who knows? we can’t predict the future… many things happened recently and all of them is a very very worse, scare and nasty nightmare for me. i really hope its just a dream, but it seems to be happen in my real life..! and all i can do is just to face them with courage!

What happen to you Jason?? is there anything wrong? very very wrong! hope nothing like this will happen again especially during chinese new year.. but seriously, chinese new year this year is not that exciting anymore…its getting more and more boring….i still don’t know why i feel like tht, is just my feeling..

Jason

The selfish bastard that ONLY cares about himself

Being a friend of someone is pretty hard… you won’t know what they think, u won’t know what is ur impression towards them. You won’t know how good is consider good friend for someone…You won’t know everything regarding them….

Sorry guys for being such a bad friend after so many years. Basically, im so selfish, i never think of others, im rude as well, i sucks in so many ways, lotsa them might hate me very much, lotsa them might want me die as well. There were no "Best Friend" in my dictionary… is hard to predict, which one is real? which one is bad perhaps…lotsa things happened in the beginning of 2007 and im so unhappy and upset of what i did as well…

I know i got attitude problem, im stubborn, i never listen to anyone as well as concern anyone…i act according my mood, overall, i sucks being someone’s friend, or perhaps u guys never treat me as friend in the beginning…

i’ved been trying so hard to be a good friend of someone, but seems like it didn’t work but bring the worse impression to someone perhaps…

I tried to help them when they’re in trouble, but when im in trouble? whos gonna help me?? where is god when im in trouble? why is this have to happen to me? why i have such friend? and why he have me as friend? nobody knows….. Everything i helped or i contribute doesn’t seems to be appreciated, all the help that i done to u seems like nothing, and seems like its my responsibility to help. YES, is my responsibility to help friends, but what if im in trouble? whos there?? when im sad, when im moody? nobody ask me, and they straight away said i moody and i started to be a mad dog and scold everyone around me. i don’t want to know how they feel in their heart about me, i wanna know how bad am i and how they feel about me when im trying to help them? PLS TELL ME HONESTLY!!! HONESTLY, i almost getting crazy in this matter… which one is real? which one is fake?

Living together under one roof is hard, u can compromise them, but someone seems can’t compromise with you… is nobody’s fault, but i just keep patience hoping someday he will change, but nothing seems to change…. why is this kind of person still exist till nowadays? can’t he just compromise with me?

Can we just sit down and be calm to discuss about this matter peacefully? this day won’t happen… Jason is always bullied by someone and for those who hates me, pls tell me why, and those who want me die? just kill me… WHY IS JASON SOOOOOO SUCKS IN FRONT OF ALL HIS FRIEND???

someone who contributed but seems nobody appreciate it…

Well, post motem meeting and also PR had left a very deep scar in my heart! i will never forget this day…Well, basically im those person who love the pain, i really hope this is a bonebreaking pain, bruises pain, bloody pain. But heart pain is the most painful pain among all. Eventhough the hardest pain i encounter such as physical pain during my breakdancing, it is not as painful as your group member evantually think that after all things you did, is a zero. And indeed, it happened to me after so many years i’ved been living in this world. It is very hard to accept in front of crowd, and i was like stab in front of my heart with a very very sharp knife, without any preparation, killed by assasin! i was numb how can she say those things? i really don’t have any preparation at all after all the things i  have done.

Perhaps i sucks, i never do anything, but after all the things i contributed, there were no compliments but only complain. My friend was right, she say that somebody dislike us, i don’t believe because i thought we are one team!! we bear all the roughness and obstacles during the campaign going on and this is what i get in return. Im sorry friend!! should have believe in you, and im sorry to what happened to you too!!i never expect theres any compliment from u all, but we all really have to work as a group! Things always goes bad to me every second in my life! My reputation spoiled, perhaps i don’t have any reputation at all, but no matter how, im still a human, i borned from a family, i got my own parents, i have my own self-esteem, my own respect! its very painful when u know u actually don’t worth anything but just a vase in a group! and in front of so many people, what can i do?

When they wanted to past me the mic to say something, i really wanted to say something!! i really really wanted to grab the mic to defend myself! but my conscience tells me, it is not important that how people feel about u, how people stereotype or look at you! The most important is GOD knows what am i doing! and i just don’t wanted to say anything from that moment. Is it a shame for me? or a pride for me? is not important anymore! Jason is always a loser in people’s mind… And im so sorry to say myself like that, and everybody in the course knows who i m! is it still a compliment?

Trying to cheer myself up, where are my friends when i am sad? When i heard other group say that they worked as a family, im so jealous and envy their spirit! i try to work as a family with my group as well… but…its not working, Where is God when im having trouble? Where is God when im sad? Where is God when im down? Where is God? im scare to face myself and my fellow friends now, its a shame and i can hardly accept it! When i sleep at my bed just now, i relly hope after a sleep, everything will be fine, i really hope its a dream that everything will dissappear, but in fact it is not, it happened……It takes time to bandage my heart back and it even takes time to heal, guess this is a big surprise from GOD before i graduate, indeed Jason is a freaking "LAZY" person. He never attend meeting in the group! YES he slept during a meeting goin on, He never helped the group and was having fun every moment. Precisely, he contribute nothing but just an extra member inside the group…YES Jason is always LAZY that he is indeed not important anymore in this society…Jason Jason Jason Jason Jason, its over!!! and im not Jason anymore…Don’t ever call me Jason, im not worth with that beautiful name, just freaking call me RUBBISH already!!!

a person who spoiled his name called Jason eventually change his name to Rubbish!!

2.07am at Lih siean’s house.Kinda boring after so many hours facing the freaking software "Microsoft Words" arrrgghhh, kinda sickening. What am i doing now?? Rushing Thesis…need to past up in the next 1 and half weeks… What i can said is "Fucking SERVE YOU RIGHT" This is the consequences of a lazy people like me.. lol I know all the lecturer know im hopeless, but thts the way im.. phew..and im suffering now!! but this is what i’ved been expected since early. After so many days outing, clubbing, countdown, yumchaZ, bowling and now its time get back to work to the EXTREME!!

Why am i here? Well, basically i don’t like to do things myself alone. and i’ved been doing this in the past 3 years. i come to her house just because of companion… Kinda loser attitude huh? I just don know how am i going to survive next time when im out to work for the society, suppose to be IN the society. Been thinking a lot this few days! How is my future actually?  Don’t wanna think so much!!!

Back To Work!! CiAoZzZz

NoSaJ!!

I wanted to force u guys, but i got no authority to do so. IF u guys choose to give up just because of u guys don’t have the place to practise, its ok, but i hope u guys won’t forget the spirit that we previously have. i missed dancing a lot, is a lot!

When i saw people performing outside, how jealous am i, can i be like them also? can i perform too? how i wish i got my own crew and group, dance together, sharing skills, choreographing. But i don’t have one. perhaps i myself not that good and i admit. but i hope to be good too one day. too bad, i can’t manage to practise myself like other people, why leh?? i just need people to company me… i must learn to independant. but can i do that? can i bear with the boreness?? cause u know? dancing is not about companion, as long as u got the spirit, u can do it! but did i have the spirit? Where is my spirit? WHERE IS IT??

Well, dancing can relieve lotsa stress that stored inside, especially the pain, bruises, scars, all of them can be your memory and your effort. The pain can make u forget the past, forget the stress… dancing can be happy too! when u doing performances, people cheer at u, i love the feelings! although i know im not tht good actually. 

i hope to fix a time to dance in a same old place without keep reminding them. but everytime seems like, im the one who take the initiative and im the one who concern the most and im the one who make the call… but seems i can’t find anyone that can fulfill my wish…

No matter how, ur still u urself, i promise i don’t wanna force anymore, caused it won’t bring any happiness unless u guys automatically willing to do so. Well, i just hope u guys don’t forget your spirit! unless u guys really have no interest in it!! Take care!!

Jason @ JasZ

29th Dec…. time struck at 5.00pm…. and everyone was looking very nervous including the finalist, some of them change cloth, some of them keep practising! TT dancers looking very cool, making fun here and there and stretching ready for performance! Commitee were busy at backstage, serving guest, welcoming audience!

I was at backstage from the beginning till the end, but of course im running here and there to inform, to get stuff, to serve, very very busy. sometimes being scolded by Dorcus cause asking silly question..

TT crew doing the starting for the event! very very cool, breakdancing, hiphop!! oh my gosh, thts what i like! by the time they’re doing the last stunt with a headspinning for ending! my leg started to get itch!! I WANNA DANCE!! such a long time i never dance since we chased away by the Alpha guard Ah Fai!! i envy ur elbow freeze and hollowback!! Golden flower, poh sheng,mun yee, xiao ma, i love ur move!! very nice!! Max!! ur flare was so cool!! i missed dancing very very much, hope theres a chance to join u guys!! Ken and Ah Fung! ur flare, 2000 very very nice!!!

one by one i saw my finalist going up the stage to perform, they done a very good job! they are improving much much more better than last time! im very proud of u! i missed u guys as well!! u guys never dissappoint me!! I-Ballad, Thrash and Flood, Hotmilk, SOAR, Dreadnaught, Randoms, N-core!!! u guys are the best!! Joseph!! finally i saw u with ur great punkish costume!! no matter how, u guys did a very very good job and im proud of u all!!

Unplugged 2006 is a success!! keep it up!!! to the finalist!! hope u guys don’t forget me!! i’ll always miss u all!! u guys gave me a very sweet memory!!! Keep in touch!!!

Jason!!